Why try?

 

Here lately, I have realized that I have been, over the past year or two, trying very hard to re-establish old friendships. with people that I once was close with back in the school days, only to be made to feel like an idiot, honestly. Why in the world would I think that they would care to  have that friendship back? They’ve moved on and so have I, but I tend to hold on to the things that meant something to me and that includes people, too. I can just pick right up where we left off as if there were never years of non-contact and really get irritated when they can’t or won’t do the same. I shouldn’t care because I know that everyone is different. It shouldn’t bother me at all, but I have found that it really does bother me.

Why do I put myself out there to look like some desperate female that doesn’t have any friends or anyone to talk to that I have to try to rekindle those friendships? I don’t see it like that because, as I said, I like to hold on to the things I care about, but people may look at it otherwise.

Why do I find myself one minute wanting all these friends, then the next minute not wanting so many friends? Its really irritating to say the least, to myself! In all honestly, deep-down, I don’t want many friends, but still I find myself trying to hold on to those past friendships that have withered. For what? I don’t know. I really don’t know why I put myself out there and try to make something be something that it isn’t.

People change and so have I, what makes me think that I will even have anything in common with or like who these old friends have become?

Part of reassessing me is dealing with this issue and from this day forward I pledge to leave the old friendships at rest. I have a couple very close, very true friends and I don’t need or deep-down want anymore. Its too much to handle having so many people to try to keep up with anyways.

As I go through this process of reassessing myself and changing things that need to be changed there will be a lot of changes, disappointments, grudges, etc. They will have to either accept it or silently not accept it. I have to find myself again, my true self.