Really?….Seriously?

Yay, it’s vent time again! I guess you could say that this blog has become my online diary/journal. When I first made this blog (notice I changed the name, may have to change it again) I really didn’t know what area of things I wanted to speak about. I always heard pick a thing to blog about and blog about it, well I didn’t know what to pick. I’m not much of a fashionista I don’t get into fashion like most girls do. I just really didn’t know where this blog was headed, but recently I broke my shell and decided that I was going to start writing about whatever it is that was on my mind, good or bad, liked or not liked. This has become my outlet to let things off my chest and to keep things from being bottled up. My first intention for this blog was to blog about my kids, which I LOVE to talk about my kids and share my pictures and stories and I will continue to post about my kids, but I have found that I really want this blog to be on the things I need to let off my chest. I want to express my anger, my sadness, my happiness, my opinions, my feelings on this blog. It has helped me tremendously (I know I have said that a lot, but it does help!)

With all of that being said, here it goes! As I have stated in a previous blog post I really don’t like to let my weaknesses be known, but being this post has a lot to do with one of my weaknesses, in order to write this, I have to share that little secret of mine.

I can’t get over this feeling of feeling like I don’t quite fit into the “adult” world. I am a mother and I am a wife, but somehow when I am around others I feel as if they look at me like a child, not because I act like one, but just because I feel that way. I think I am battling with self-confidence here! I know you’re probably saying, “ Well, honey, you’re only 24 years old.” and “What’s your rush to grow up?” Its not really that I am in a rush to grow up. I’ve had to grow up! I got pregnant with my first-born when I was 16, got  married at 19, and had my second child 8 days before I turned 21. No more being a child for me.

My issue is that, around others, I sort-of clam up, feel like an outsider, and don’t quite feel like I am welcome into the adult realm with the other adults around me. Maybe it is because I am only 24, but I am married and do have two kids so I am kind-of in the middle of being an “adult” and being “child-like.” I feel so inferior around people. Why is that? Why can’t I be the confident person I always was? I have NEVER felt like that before in my life until I got pregnant young. Before that, I never let anyone make me feel inferior and I never felt weird around people. I was just simply me, take me or leave me.

Oh, this world of pleasing. I have got to stop that. Jess, be yourself! Quite trying so dag-on hard to “fit in.”

Yes, that’s me repeatedly telling myself over and over and over again to stop it! But, as always, never works!

--- Help!

Smooth Thanksgiving

I was very surprised and very thankful that this Thanksgiving was smooth sailing! No drama from anyone. That, I think, is the first time since my Husband and I have been together ( 7 years) that I have had no one down my throat about where I am going to be spending the Holiday. I hope Christmas is just as smooth. It really makes for a better Holiday Season!

It really amazes me at how different my family is on each side. On my Dad’s side of the family everyone talks to everyone and we all get along. There’s no feeling awkward or feeling like you’re a total stranger. Its peaceful and we all enjoy each other’s company. On my Mom’s side, they all act like total, complete strangers. They are always hounding someone, there is always someone griping and complaining about something, and they make you feel like you’re just a complete stranger that doesn’t belong. You get these looks like they are thinking, “What the heck are you doing here?!” How unfortunate that everyone has become that way. We don’t see each other except for the Holidays and they act like it’s a nightmare to have to participate. Well, I am here to tell ya, no one holds a gun to your head forcing you to come around your family, so why come and make everyone else miserable with your complaining? Last year was ridiculous! My poor Grandma, for Christmas, got everyone together to go on a dinner train and out to eat afterwards. It was very nice and I enjoyed it very much, but of course, a few bad apples had to spoil the occasion. Here I am thinking, “What in the world goes through their minds to act so disrespectful when someone tries to do something nice for them and why do they have to be so miserable around their own family?” They’re adults, suck it up or stop coming around if it is just so miserable for you!

Unbelievable!…

Helps to Release some bottled-up emotions!

I know I have been filling this blog with complaints a lot here lately, but I have found that it truly helps to release some of these bottled-up emotions that overwhelm me and really, who doesn’t like reading about other people’s inner most thoughts and secrets?

So, my complaint (if you want to call it that) and inner most thought for tonight is, what the heck happened to Best Friends Forever actually meaning something? I have my Bestie, Ariel, this does not pertain to her. She has and always will be one of my very true, very best, best friends! I am speaking about the ones who have claimed me as their “BFF” or “Bestie” or “Bestest Friend” or “Best Friend.” Next thing you know, I am old news. Yes, I don’t leave the house much, which I know hurts a friendship, but I also have my responsibilities here that never end and I have two kiddos that, anytime I go anywhere, I have to bring them along, which makes it hard for conversation. I’m not really into doing most of the things that most my age are into doing so I know that also makes things hard, but I just really don’t get why you would act as if you can just walk into and out of my life anytime you so choose and think that it is okay. Um, hello, no! What part of, I am a human being, too, don’t you understand? I know with this blog post that I may sound a tad bit juvenile, but some things I just need to let go of and writing it out helps A TON!

There is one particular person that better not think that she is just going to waltz right back into the picture as if she didn’t just trade me in. I don’t care if it was just the fact that she needed new company or what the case may have been. I do not like being treated as if I am only worth having around when it is convenient or you need me for something. Not this time, honey! Momma is making some much-needed changes! Sorry about your luck!

People really do aggravate the crud out of me. Guess that’s why I have found myself slowly detaching myself from people.

The House is all done up for Christmas! Take a Look!

So, after two days of doing Christmas lights and the inflatables we have almost finished getting our house decorated for Christmas. The big circle with lights you see in the photo is a HUGE wreath we have over our driveway. That was a new addition this year. Some of the inflatables are not visible in this photo, but, as of now, we have 8 inflatables. The kids absolutely love it which, of course, is why we go all out on Christmas. I am not sure what else we have planned for the outside, but its looking really good. We are all lit-up here. I cannot wait until Dec.17th when we have the family and some friends over for dinner and the kids will get to see Santa here at the house. Santa is coming to pass out presents to the kids here. They are going to LOVE it! Mrs. Claus may even join the fun this year!

Telling it how it is!

Screw the expectancies, screw living for everyone else. They, whoever they really are, don't pay my bills, they don't come home with me at night bathe my kids and cook my dinner. Why, then, am I living for what I think some ill-defined bunch of people expect of me? They don't get a vote anymore! I will no longer give my power away. I want it back and I am going to use it to be me. I want to make me happy and my family happy by being true to myself  and doing what I care about. If I'm not being treated with dignity and respect that's not okay, not now, not ever! I want to feel alive. I want to feel valued by others and myself. I want my kids to have all of me and not some half-a** counterfeit!

I have to become the authentic me. I have got to be totally honest with myself! No more going with the easy route, what’s expected of me, and what the responsibilities of life have made me. I need to shape my life around who I really am. Just because familiar may seem safer there is no reason to settle. We, too often, define ourselves by our jobs or our role. We lose who we really are because we get caught up with life’s titles.

If someone were to ask you, “Who are you?” How would you answer that question? Are you living a life that reflects your authentic self?  Have you sold yourself short?

Well, I, too often, find myself reminiscing on the “remember whens.” Yes, the past is great and has helped us define who we have become and it contains a lot of wonderful memories, but we have to start being able to have those fun memories of now, in the present.

I am glad that at 24 years old I am realizing how much I have lost my authentic self as I have entered into adulthood, motherhood, and being a wife and not living life so long with it lost that I am 50 years old and realizing it. I am making a change NOW! We have one life, one opportunity. One opportunity to be all of who we are and live and do the things we have a desire to do.

Dr. Phil made a very valuable point when he said, “If you have no purpose, you have no passion and if you have no passion, you've sold yourself out!”

Its hard to make that transition from being a child that has no worries in life at all to being an adult that has so many things that HAVE to be right and HAVE to be done. You lose yourself in it. You freak out and clam up. You try to keep your mind focused on the responsibilities and getting them done that we overpower our own natural thoughts and desires and even dreams. We lose us.

Making a change and finding myself again is not going to be an easy task, but I have to do it! I want to be me again, not what society, responsibilities, and titles have made me. I want to feel truly happy in my accomplishments. I want the satisfaction of knowing that I am doing everything I can to not sell myself short of what I want and what I deserve.

…… so, with that being said, here I go! Wish me luck!

Why try?

 

Here lately, I have realized that I have been, over the past year or two, trying very hard to re-establish old friendships. with people that I once was close with back in the school days, only to be made to feel like an idiot, honestly. Why in the world would I think that they would care to  have that friendship back? They’ve moved on and so have I, but I tend to hold on to the things that meant something to me and that includes people, too. I can just pick right up where we left off as if there were never years of non-contact and really get irritated when they can’t or won’t do the same. I shouldn’t care because I know that everyone is different. It shouldn’t bother me at all, but I have found that it really does bother me.

Why do I put myself out there to look like some desperate female that doesn’t have any friends or anyone to talk to that I have to try to rekindle those friendships? I don’t see it like that because, as I said, I like to hold on to the things I care about, but people may look at it otherwise.

Why do I find myself one minute wanting all these friends, then the next minute not wanting so many friends? Its really irritating to say the least, to myself! In all honestly, deep-down, I don’t want many friends, but still I find myself trying to hold on to those past friendships that have withered. For what? I don’t know. I really don’t know why I put myself out there and try to make something be something that it isn’t.

People change and so have I, what makes me think that I will even have anything in common with or like who these old friends have become?

Part of reassessing me is dealing with this issue and from this day forward I pledge to leave the old friendships at rest. I have a couple very close, very true friends and I don’t need or deep-down want anymore. Its too much to handle having so many people to try to keep up with anyways.

As I go through this process of reassessing myself and changing things that need to be changed there will be a lot of changes, disappointments, grudges, etc. They will have to either accept it or silently not accept it. I have to find myself again, my true self.

The Holidays-Drama-free, please!

 

I love the Holidays, but I really find myself having a hard time enjoying them because of the constant battle with everyone wanting you in one place at the same time all the time. I wish they would realize and consider that it is not humanly possible for me to be everywhere at the same time on the same day. I hate upsetting people, that is one of my weaknesses. I don’t believe in sharing weaknesses with people due to the fact that they can and they will use that to their advantage, but I have to put this out there.

For once, I would love a drama-free Holiday Season! I hate rushing and hate having to rush my kids around everywhere. Another thing I don’t get is that I don’t hear from my family any other time throughout the year, other than my dad, grandma, grandpa, mom, step-dad, my Aunt Julie, sis, and brother. Why in the world is it so important to you that I be a head-count at your Holiday get-together? There are 365 days in a year and you mean to tell me that throughout the 365 days you only consider me part of the family on those one particular days? If the answer is no, I would like to know then why it is so hard for you to pick up the phone and say, “Hey, wanted to check in on you and see how you’re doing.”

I have made my efforts throughout the course of the past 7 years and, when I finally throw my hands up and say that I am going to let them be the ones to contact me because it shouldn’t be one person trying to keep in touch with all of her family,  I never hear from anyone.

My family, to me, have become strangers that I am connected with by blood and genetics. I don’t know these people anymore and they sure as heck don’t take the initiative to know me either. What a shame! A shame that a once close knit family have become so distant. A shame that the family together in the same place seems as awkward as being in a waiting room at the Doctor’s office.

I love my family and I miss them dearly, but as I said I don’t know them anymore. Some would claim that it is my fault because I moved 35 minutes away. C’mon, seriously?! My intentions are not to bash my family in this post, but to simply release some of the thoughts and feelings I have been feeling for quite some time now. Yes, I have spoke with several people in my family that knows that this is how I feel. It is no secret.

Lord, I pray that this year will be different. I don’t want to be pushed to the point that I am singing BA-HUMBUG!