Family <3

(Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, but I have been crazy busy with the Holidays!)

My topic tonight is on families. Why? Well, I have been thinking since Thanksgiving about how wonderful it is to see and be with family. I had such a great time with my family on Thanksgiving and I think it’s a shame that it doesn’t happen more often. We all have super busy lives and sometimes its just plain hard to find the time to get everyone together to enjoy each other’s company.

I really have to say that despite the hardships and the periodical thoughts of, “ Why don’t I have this?” Why is it so hard to ___________?” “Why do they have to be like that?” and everything else, we really have to start thinking about how blessed we truly are. Look at the kids in our life, our spouse or significant other, our siblings, parents, grandparents, etc. They are all special and unique and you are blessed to be included in their lives and them in yours. We age and decease a lot more quickly than we think about and sometimes we don’t take into consideration that our days here on Earth are numbered. We go on with our busy schedules and we say, “Oh I forgot to call such and such.” and “ Well, they can wait.”

Another reason I bring this up is because on December 5, 2007 I lost one of my family members to cancer. Someone very, very close to me. My Nana was such a special lady and so full of love. I was very, very, very close to her! When I turned 17 I moved out-of-state and at times would forget to call her like I wanted to every night to remind her that I loved her. I didn’t see her often, but if she needed me there I was there. She asked me one night to come to her house to help her clean her carpets. When I arrived she was wearing oxygen and I wasn’t really sure what was going on. I had no idea that she was having any complications in her health. As I sat there at her table she began to tell me that they had found cancer.  I wasn’t quite understanding what all was going on. All I could think was, “OMG!” OMG!” “OMG!” and ask how come she never told me that she had any health issues and that I thought she looked and acted as if she were doing quite well. I held it all in, but the tears wanted to explode from my eyes. After she told me all of that its like my mind went blank. I couldn’t remember anything else we did, although I do remember taking my camera out of my purse and loading my memory card up with pictures of us while she complained to me that she did not want her picture taken looking the way she did. I couldn’t help it. I had to have those pictures. Thanksgiving was right around the corner (like week or two away) and my Aunt Terri had made arrangements for all of us to gather at her home for Thanksgiving dinner. When I arrived Nana was there with her oxygen, but this time she was in a wheelchair and could barely walk. I sat next to her the majority of the time talking with her and telling her that I loved her. Before everyone was even finished eating she was ready to leave to go home and rest. I wheeled her out to the car and helped her in. A few days later I receive a call telling me that Nana had been put into the hospital on life support and that it didn’t look good. Finally, the tears decided they were no longer going to be contained and I lost it. I got there as quick as I could and for the whole time that she was in the hospital I was there every single day from morning to night. When she would come to from her induced coma we would write to her on paper and she would write us back. I’ll never forget that call on that Wed. morning of December 5, 2007 when they said that my Nana took her last breath and went peacefully. GOSH, I MISS HER!!!!

On Monday, it will make 4 years since cancer took her away from me and I don’t quite think that I have fully accepted it. Even after 4 years it just doesn’t seem real other than when I want to call her and talk to her or hear her voice and go to see her I can’t.

R.I.P. Nana Brockman! I love you so much!!!

Really?….Seriously?

Yay, it’s vent time again! I guess you could say that this blog has become my online diary/journal. When I first made this blog (notice I changed the name, may have to change it again) I really didn’t know what area of things I wanted to speak about. I always heard pick a thing to blog about and blog about it, well I didn’t know what to pick. I’m not much of a fashionista I don’t get into fashion like most girls do. I just really didn’t know where this blog was headed, but recently I broke my shell and decided that I was going to start writing about whatever it is that was on my mind, good or bad, liked or not liked. This has become my outlet to let things off my chest and to keep things from being bottled up. My first intention for this blog was to blog about my kids, which I LOVE to talk about my kids and share my pictures and stories and I will continue to post about my kids, but I have found that I really want this blog to be on the things I need to let off my chest. I want to express my anger, my sadness, my happiness, my opinions, my feelings on this blog. It has helped me tremendously (I know I have said that a lot, but it does help!)

With all of that being said, here it goes! As I have stated in a previous blog post I really don’t like to let my weaknesses be known, but being this post has a lot to do with one of my weaknesses, in order to write this, I have to share that little secret of mine.

I can’t get over this feeling of feeling like I don’t quite fit into the “adult” world. I am a mother and I am a wife, but somehow when I am around others I feel as if they look at me like a child, not because I act like one, but just because I feel that way. I think I am battling with self-confidence here! I know you’re probably saying, “ Well, honey, you’re only 24 years old.” and “What’s your rush to grow up?” Its not really that I am in a rush to grow up. I’ve had to grow up! I got pregnant with my first-born when I was 16, got  married at 19, and had my second child 8 days before I turned 21. No more being a child for me.

My issue is that, around others, I sort-of clam up, feel like an outsider, and don’t quite feel like I am welcome into the adult realm with the other adults around me. Maybe it is because I am only 24, but I am married and do have two kids so I am kind-of in the middle of being an “adult” and being “child-like.” I feel so inferior around people. Why is that? Why can’t I be the confident person I always was? I have NEVER felt like that before in my life until I got pregnant young. Before that, I never let anyone make me feel inferior and I never felt weird around people. I was just simply me, take me or leave me.

Oh, this world of pleasing. I have got to stop that. Jess, be yourself! Quite trying so dag-on hard to “fit in.”

Yes, that’s me repeatedly telling myself over and over and over again to stop it! But, as always, never works!

--- Help!

Smooth Thanksgiving

I was very surprised and very thankful that this Thanksgiving was smooth sailing! No drama from anyone. That, I think, is the first time since my Husband and I have been together ( 7 years) that I have had no one down my throat about where I am going to be spending the Holiday. I hope Christmas is just as smooth. It really makes for a better Holiday Season!

It really amazes me at how different my family is on each side. On my Dad’s side of the family everyone talks to everyone and we all get along. There’s no feeling awkward or feeling like you’re a total stranger. Its peaceful and we all enjoy each other’s company. On my Mom’s side, they all act like total, complete strangers. They are always hounding someone, there is always someone griping and complaining about something, and they make you feel like you’re just a complete stranger that doesn’t belong. You get these looks like they are thinking, “What the heck are you doing here?!” How unfortunate that everyone has become that way. We don’t see each other except for the Holidays and they act like it’s a nightmare to have to participate. Well, I am here to tell ya, no one holds a gun to your head forcing you to come around your family, so why come and make everyone else miserable with your complaining? Last year was ridiculous! My poor Grandma, for Christmas, got everyone together to go on a dinner train and out to eat afterwards. It was very nice and I enjoyed it very much, but of course, a few bad apples had to spoil the occasion. Here I am thinking, “What in the world goes through their minds to act so disrespectful when someone tries to do something nice for them and why do they have to be so miserable around their own family?” They’re adults, suck it up or stop coming around if it is just so miserable for you!

Unbelievable!…

Helps to Release some bottled-up emotions!

I know I have been filling this blog with complaints a lot here lately, but I have found that it truly helps to release some of these bottled-up emotions that overwhelm me and really, who doesn’t like reading about other people’s inner most thoughts and secrets?

So, my complaint (if you want to call it that) and inner most thought for tonight is, what the heck happened to Best Friends Forever actually meaning something? I have my Bestie, Ariel, this does not pertain to her. She has and always will be one of my very true, very best, best friends! I am speaking about the ones who have claimed me as their “BFF” or “Bestie” or “Bestest Friend” or “Best Friend.” Next thing you know, I am old news. Yes, I don’t leave the house much, which I know hurts a friendship, but I also have my responsibilities here that never end and I have two kiddos that, anytime I go anywhere, I have to bring them along, which makes it hard for conversation. I’m not really into doing most of the things that most my age are into doing so I know that also makes things hard, but I just really don’t get why you would act as if you can just walk into and out of my life anytime you so choose and think that it is okay. Um, hello, no! What part of, I am a human being, too, don’t you understand? I know with this blog post that I may sound a tad bit juvenile, but some things I just need to let go of and writing it out helps A TON!

There is one particular person that better not think that she is just going to waltz right back into the picture as if she didn’t just trade me in. I don’t care if it was just the fact that she needed new company or what the case may have been. I do not like being treated as if I am only worth having around when it is convenient or you need me for something. Not this time, honey! Momma is making some much-needed changes! Sorry about your luck!

People really do aggravate the crud out of me. Guess that’s why I have found myself slowly detaching myself from people.

The House is all done up for Christmas! Take a Look!

So, after two days of doing Christmas lights and the inflatables we have almost finished getting our house decorated for Christmas. The big circle with lights you see in the photo is a HUGE wreath we have over our driveway. That was a new addition this year. Some of the inflatables are not visible in this photo, but, as of now, we have 8 inflatables. The kids absolutely love it which, of course, is why we go all out on Christmas. I am not sure what else we have planned for the outside, but its looking really good. We are all lit-up here. I cannot wait until Dec.17th when we have the family and some friends over for dinner and the kids will get to see Santa here at the house. Santa is coming to pass out presents to the kids here. They are going to LOVE it! Mrs. Claus may even join the fun this year!

Telling it how it is!

Screw the expectancies, screw living for everyone else. They, whoever they really are, don't pay my bills, they don't come home with me at night bathe my kids and cook my dinner. Why, then, am I living for what I think some ill-defined bunch of people expect of me? They don't get a vote anymore! I will no longer give my power away. I want it back and I am going to use it to be me. I want to make me happy and my family happy by being true to myself  and doing what I care about. If I'm not being treated with dignity and respect that's not okay, not now, not ever! I want to feel alive. I want to feel valued by others and myself. I want my kids to have all of me and not some half-a** counterfeit!

I have to become the authentic me. I have got to be totally honest with myself! No more going with the easy route, what’s expected of me, and what the responsibilities of life have made me. I need to shape my life around who I really am. Just because familiar may seem safer there is no reason to settle. We, too often, define ourselves by our jobs or our role. We lose who we really are because we get caught up with life’s titles.

If someone were to ask you, “Who are you?” How would you answer that question? Are you living a life that reflects your authentic self?  Have you sold yourself short?

Well, I, too often, find myself reminiscing on the “remember whens.” Yes, the past is great and has helped us define who we have become and it contains a lot of wonderful memories, but we have to start being able to have those fun memories of now, in the present.

I am glad that at 24 years old I am realizing how much I have lost my authentic self as I have entered into adulthood, motherhood, and being a wife and not living life so long with it lost that I am 50 years old and realizing it. I am making a change NOW! We have one life, one opportunity. One opportunity to be all of who we are and live and do the things we have a desire to do.

Dr. Phil made a very valuable point when he said, “If you have no purpose, you have no passion and if you have no passion, you've sold yourself out!”

Its hard to make that transition from being a child that has no worries in life at all to being an adult that has so many things that HAVE to be right and HAVE to be done. You lose yourself in it. You freak out and clam up. You try to keep your mind focused on the responsibilities and getting them done that we overpower our own natural thoughts and desires and even dreams. We lose us.

Making a change and finding myself again is not going to be an easy task, but I have to do it! I want to be me again, not what society, responsibilities, and titles have made me. I want to feel truly happy in my accomplishments. I want the satisfaction of knowing that I am doing everything I can to not sell myself short of what I want and what I deserve.

…… so, with that being said, here I go! Wish me luck!

Why try?

 

Here lately, I have realized that I have been, over the past year or two, trying very hard to re-establish old friendships. with people that I once was close with back in the school days, only to be made to feel like an idiot, honestly. Why in the world would I think that they would care to  have that friendship back? They’ve moved on and so have I, but I tend to hold on to the things that meant something to me and that includes people, too. I can just pick right up where we left off as if there were never years of non-contact and really get irritated when they can’t or won’t do the same. I shouldn’t care because I know that everyone is different. It shouldn’t bother me at all, but I have found that it really does bother me.

Why do I put myself out there to look like some desperate female that doesn’t have any friends or anyone to talk to that I have to try to rekindle those friendships? I don’t see it like that because, as I said, I like to hold on to the things I care about, but people may look at it otherwise.

Why do I find myself one minute wanting all these friends, then the next minute not wanting so many friends? Its really irritating to say the least, to myself! In all honestly, deep-down, I don’t want many friends, but still I find myself trying to hold on to those past friendships that have withered. For what? I don’t know. I really don’t know why I put myself out there and try to make something be something that it isn’t.

People change and so have I, what makes me think that I will even have anything in common with or like who these old friends have become?

Part of reassessing me is dealing with this issue and from this day forward I pledge to leave the old friendships at rest. I have a couple very close, very true friends and I don’t need or deep-down want anymore. Its too much to handle having so many people to try to keep up with anyways.

As I go through this process of reassessing myself and changing things that need to be changed there will be a lot of changes, disappointments, grudges, etc. They will have to either accept it or silently not accept it. I have to find myself again, my true self.